On October 29th, 2010, I had to put my dog of 15 years to sleep. He had problems walking, had another tumor on his belly (which was already removed 3 times in his lifetime) and I watched him age very rapidly over the course of six months. It hurts that he’s gone and I’m writing this as a way for me to cope with his death – as it is my first personal experience with death.
Below are my posts from the day I had to put Snoopy down. He will be missed dearly.
It’s around 10:00am on Friday. Today is the day for my best buddy to go. He’s sleeping in my sister’s room at the moment wrapped around in blankets. I’d actually prefer him to be there right now instead of being in my cold room. The other nights, he whimpered at random times throughout the night and I lost a ton of sleep, but last night, he was quietly sleeping.
A part of me feels relieved but a part of me is so scared of losing one of the most precious things I’ve ever had in my entire life. I’m going to miss his little bark that used to annoy me sometimes. I’m going to miss his stubby little tail. I’ll miss his soft fur. I’ll miss him jumping on my bed to hide under the blankets to sleep next to me on cold days.
The joy and company Snoopy brought me when I was alone, depressed, and even happy will be missed so much. I’m not sure how death works, but I’m ready to face it because it is a reality of life. I have to face it. It puts such a depressing twist on my viewpoints of life in general right now.
This is my first death experience. I’ve never had anyone or anything close to me pass away. Yes, I know what I should have felt before I had to face it, but the difference is, it’s me now. It’s this feeling.
I’m not sure what else to write at the moment. The house will be really quiet tonight. It’ll be quiet for a while.
Over fifteen years of the little fuzzball…wow. Time goes by real fast…too fast.
It’s 3:19am. It’s quiet. There’s an empty feeling inside of me.
I keep looking behind me on my bed and he’s not there. I walk out of my room and look to the left in his usual spot near the laundry room. He’s not there either. I walk downstairs and I see his dog bowls neatly tucked away in the corner – empty.
The veterinarian first injected a sedative into Snoopy to calm his nerves. Snoopy twitched a little but he didn’t make a sound. I think he was trying to hold in the pain. He was a trooper.
The vet then pulled out the 2nd needle and softly asked, “are you ready”?
I hesitated for a bit, then with a shaky voice, I said yes.
Immediately, tears starting falling down as I put my head close to his and kissed him. I held Snoopy as I watched the vet slowly inject whatever he was injecting into my best friend. I was so sad and couldn’t stop crying. He told me it should be a couple seconds. Then that was it.
I just held Snoopy and just cried. Hard.
My best buddy. The one who was always with me when I was alone. Gone. Lifeless.
I asked the vet if he had any dogs and he told me he had one that lived to 17 years old. He put his own dog to sleep. Hearing that comforted me a bit. He understood my pain…maybe even more.
After talking about doggy years, he delicately slides his hands under my dog and tells me he’s going to take him now. I say ok. He picks Snoopy up and I tell him I want to say bye one last time. I give him a kiss. I notice his body isn’t as warm anymore.
Then I walk out the door to the receptionist to pay. She suggests reading “Rainbow Bridge”.
The thought that I’ll never be able to see Snoopy, feel him, or even smell him again is what hurts the most. I wish I took more pictures. I wish I took more videos. I miss my dog so much. So much.
I really do hope there is such thing as doggy heaven. The thought feels good.
Snoopy, if you can hear me, just know that I’m going to be thinking of you all the time. I hope you don’t mind that I have some of your fur in a zip-log bag. I know you don’t care. I want to thank you for teaching me how to love unconditionally. You taught me well. I know you don’t like olives and I agree with you. People or animals should not eat them. I’m sorry I made you eat hard food. It’s just really expensive and time consuming to cook chicken and veggies for you every day. But you know I did sneak in food from time to time. Remember when we always brought you Hometown Buffet scraps? Credit goes to mom. I promise if I get another dog, he/she will always be second to you. You’re always number 1. Snoopy, you know you were a grouchy dog at times, but I forgive you. I also forgive you for biting my ankle when I was a kid and for biting my ear too. It was actually my fault. I shouldn’t have bit yours.
I remember I picked you out of all the other ones because you were the wildest one. You crazy dog :) We had good times…I’ll miss you pal. You know I cried a lot because of you, but that’s because I care a lot. And they say it’s okay if a man cries for his dog :) If there is a doggy heaven and you’re there, be glad we didn’t cut off your balls. Go wild ;)
I hope I’ll see you again someday. Miss you so freakin much.
*crosses fingers that such place exists*